Note: This post is NOT written at anyone in
particular. It’s all in good fun. To paraphrase the song, you’re so vain you
probably think this post is about you. It’s not.
Please refrain from sending me angry emails.
Awesome Andy:
Andy wants you to know just how awesome
every part of his life is. God is totally into Andy.
Andy frequently likes to use the hashtag
#Blessed, as in, “Just got a $10,000 raise at
work! Gonna buy that jet ski! LOL #Blessed”. If
things are really awesome, Andy may employ #DoubleBlessed, or the rarely seen, most
heavenly of all hashtags, #Blezzed. Andy is
definitely living his best life now.
Venting Vanessa:
Vanessa uses Facebook as a way to “get
things off her chest”, which is somehow
different from complaining. If she has a bad
day at work, she will definitely let you know,
usually with multiple exclamation marks!!!!
And perhaps a link to a music video which makes her feel better. Her friends will
commiserate with her in the comments, even
though they secretly wish she would just stop
complaining about her First World problems.
Overly Spiritual Owen:
Owen exclusively posts Scripture verses and
John Piper quotes. If you post a picture of you
enjoying a steak, he will comment, “Think of
how many orphans could be fed with that
steak.” If you mention that you are enjoying
the new Mumford and Sons album, he will passive-aggressively correct you by posting
the Scripture about being in the world but not
of the world. Owen gets “unfriended” quite
frequently.
Overly Opinionated Olive:
Olive has very strong opinions about every
possible subject, and she will share them with
you. All. The Time. She is constantly sharing
incendiary articles written by rather shaky
sources about vaccines, common core, paleo
eating, vegan eating, paleos eating vegans, flu shots, and juice cleansing. The world is her
soapbox, and she never steps off it.
Maybe Saved Mike:
Mike goes to your church. Mike says he is a
Christian. Mike posts things on Facebook that
make you raise your eyebrows. Like photos of
him doing keg stands.
Really Right Wing Rick:
Rick somehow manages to connect every
problem to the Democratic party. Was it this
cold when Bush was President? Thanks
Obama! Rick writes posts on his Xanga blog
about how the Democrats are ushering in the
rule of the Anti-Christ. Rick also owns a lot of firearms. My transmission blew out today.
Never had the problem when Reagan was in
office!
Quiz Quentin:
Thanks to Facebook, Quentin has discovered
that she looks just like Taylor Swift, is most like
the Apostle Paul, would be Wonderwoman if
she were a Marvel Superhero, and is best
described by the word “compassion”. Quentin
really needs some affirming friends in her life.
Homeschooled Harry:
Harry isn’t on Facebook. He’s homeschooled.
Guilt Trip Gina:
Gina regularly posts photos which say, “I love
Jesus. REPOST IF YOU AGREE.” This puts you in
a rather difficult spot. The photo is of a super
cheesy, caucasian, long, flowing hair Jesus.
You have no desire to post the photo. But if
you don’t post it, does that mean you don’t love Jesus? SO MUCH GUILT!
Where Do You Belong? Drop Your Comments Below!!!
Want To Promote Your Song?