Congregation Question: Pastor’s Lavish Lifestyle Upon Purchase Of ’98 Corolla

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FREDERICK, MD—A quorum of church members at
Ridgewood Church voted 56–3 in favor of formally
reprimanding teaching pastor Stewart Coles for
reckless and irresponsible spending upon the
discovery that he splurged on an as-is 1998
Toyota Corolla he spotted on Craigslist.

Reporters were able to catch up to one of
Ridgewood’s deacons Friday at a local golf resort
as he got out of his Cadillac. “We’re not saying it’s
necessarily a sin for a pastor to make money, but
it’s definitely unwise to flaunt your wealth like
that,” the deacon said as he took a few practice swings with his new Callaways. “We openly call
upon Pastor Coles to repent of his lavish, prodigal
lifestyle.”

According to the church’s disclosed financial
information, Coles pulls in a cool $42,000.00 per
year plus a lucrative $500.00 continuing education
fund. Congregation members began to question
his opulent lifestyle in early April as he was spotted
eating at Denny’s with his wife for their fourth wedding anniversary, but the scandal didn’t fully
break until he was seen rolling up in the gaudy
$1500.00 vehicle, complete with sunroof, cassette
deck, FM radio, air conditioning, and a full three out
of four automatic windows functioning properly.

“It’s just sick,” the deacon went on. “I know we’re
not supposed to muzzle the ox, but an ox that’s
riding in a whip like that is way too well-off.
Unbelievers will see him rolling on those fourteens
and immediately assume Christians are all about
the money, giving all of us a bad name and killing our collective witness. Now, if you’ll excuse me,
I’ve got a tee time with the mayor.”

As part of the official referendum, Coles must
donate the Corolla to charity and get something
more appropriate for the ten-mile commute he
makes seven days a week, such as a reliable,
modest Schwinn or Huffy.

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