WASHINGTON, D.C.—After clearly and methodically
laying out an iron-clad case for recommending
charges against Hillary Clinton Tuesday, FBI Director
James Comey instead announced that the
comprehensive investigation into her use of a
personal email system had found the presumptive Democratic nominee for President to be totally and
utterly above the law.
“We assess it is possible that hostile actors gained
access to Secretary Clinton’s personal e-mail
account,” Comey said plainly, after explaining that
Clinton had in fact used numerous private servers
and mobile devices to knowingly send and receive
highly classified information over a shoddy email system that did not have even basic security
features like those employed by regular email
clients like Gmail. “Normally this would be
prosecuted vigorously, but our investigation has
discovered that Secretary Clinton is completely
immune to legal ramifications of any sort.”
“Although there is evidence of potential violations
of the statutes regarding the handling of classified
information, our judgment is that no reasonable
prosecutor would bring such a case against
Secretary Clinton, because she is exempt from the
laws that apply to all other Americans,” Comey announced, adding that it didn’t really matter that
she has been lying so profusely about all of these
things, as she is immune to justice.
“To be clear, this is not to suggest that in similar
circumstances a person who engaged in this
activity would face no consequences. To the
contrary, those individuals are often subject to
security or administrative sanctions,” he confirmed.
“But those individuals are not Hillary Clinton.”
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